I am a notoriously open person. My friends know this, my family knows this and I’m sure as a reader, you know this. Over the past couple years, I have used this blog to speak about my daily goal of loving big through living small in my community, my career, and my relationships. When you decide to have a mission such as this, it tends to bleed over into everything you do, which is why you see so much of my personal life on this blog. And that’s a good thing.
But unfortunately, that means that in the events of the past year or so of my life, I have spent countless hours trying to come up with what to say on here and felt completely uninspired. My decisions have been highly controversial and out of respect to those who disagreed with me or people who I hurt with my decisions, I’ve tried to stay somewhat quiet about my personal life.
I would sit down to write about the job I accepted earlier this year and how excited I feel to be managing a small salon and turning around some aspects of the company that weren’t working. I’d start to explain how I’ve met a few small business owners in the Vancouver area through this job and how I’ve really enjoyed seeing those owners work together and promote each other’s work. That post went unpublished because I feared that people might look into what I’m doing with my life and claim that I only gave up my previous relationship to progress my career.
Or when I wrote about my favorite quote from Eat, Pray, Love. Elizabeth Gilbert is speaking about the Augusteum and its history, saying, “I was reassured, maybe my life hasn’t been so chaotic, it’s just the world that is, and the real trap is getting attached to any of it. Ruin is a gift. Ruin is the road to transformation.” I wrote about how every hardship we go through will ultimately make us stronger if we choose to work through it. How, if we choose to let something go that was pulling us down, something new will find us that builds us up and tells us to fly. That loving big means loving yourself first, trusting yourself first even when others believe your actions to be impure. But that post sits with all of my other drafts. I was scared that someone would read it and call me selfish, as I’ve been called through personal messages and emails over the past year and a half. I didn’t want to have another argument with someone trying to explain that I had drifted from God’s will. So I kept those words to myself.
Recently, I’ve begun writing a lot about the relationship I am in. We moved in together in May and will be reaching our one year anniversary in December. I’ve never been more happy in my life and my family loves him. I’ve written about how completely free it makes me feel to have someone love me just as I am. How beginning a relationship after a divorce is completely different than “normal” dating. And I’ve written about the fact that he is Muslim and I am a Christian and what kind of a story that tells. Obviously, these posts I never published because I didn’t want to offend any mutual friends that my ex and I still have. I thought that if I were to show excitement about my current life, people would think that I was trashing my ex-husband and what we shared. Or just flat out call me a bitch for moving on too quickly.
But I’ve had a change of heart over the last week. I’ve decided that I am over it. So completely and wholly over it. One of my favorite things in life is writing and sharing my writing with those who tell me they appreciate it. And being that I am an open person and that sharing my writing has often been therapeutic for me in the past, I am going to begin to publish those posts that delve more into my personal life. You can choose to read or not to read, but I have lived with only one regret. That regret is that anyone was hurt by my decisions, but not that I was strong enough to make those decisions. I truly believe that everything I’ve done in life has brought me to where I am now. Each little part of my story thus far inspires me to write the words I write and I’m ready to continue telling my story.