The most terrifying thing we can do as humans is to give our vulnerability, our heart to another person. We have the ability to give a sacred piece of ourselves to someone and ask them to keep and protect it. We trust them to treasure it as their own and to never let harm come to it.
I have had this kind of sacred bond in my lifetime. A beautiful dance of give and take where love and faithfulness covered over every other commitment. A simple openness that allowed me to give my heart fully without fear of abandon or failure. I lost all control of what my heart was capable of because it no longer belonged to myself. It was His for the taking. He could ask me to move to the end of the earth and I would do it. He spoke words of love to me and I was compelled to always be His. “I will never leave you or forsake you,” He told me and I knew I could trust Him. I am content with God being the One who holds my heart. May I always find comfort in that fact no matter what my circumstance. May He always be the first to catch my tears, comfort my soul, and fulfill my heart.
In my heart and in this place of life I’ve found myself in, I’m starting to see all that it means to love God first. There is a reason that those who encounter God usually encounter Him in their brokenness, their time in the wilderness. Because we don’t tend to realize we need Him until we are left defeated… and His hand is the only one reaching out to pull us up and into who we are capable of becoming. In the last year of my life, I’ve been determined to not forget who comes first in my heart. And I believe I’ve been able to make much progress because of that. I have made a season of my life that could have very well been a place of abandon and loneliness turn into something much greater. It’s been a season of clarity, focus, determination and healing. All because He chose to stay and love me fiercely. And I chose to let Him. All because He told me I could be so much better. He told me that I was beautiful and that I was worth it. He told me that I don’t need to look further than His arms to find my purpose and my comfort.
When I find myself sharing my life with another again, I will be so much better than I’ve been. I am so much better than I’ve been. I still believe that giving my heart to another human is the most vulnerable thing I could do. It is still the most intense and loving sacrifice I could make to share it with another and trust them to take care of it. And that is a scary commitment to make. But thanks to God, I am now capable of doing so. I know that my heart will never break. My heart will never become cold or calloused. And I know that I will never enter a relationship that can devastate me to my core. Not because I will not love completely. Not because I won’t give all that I humanly can to my lover. Not because I will hold back. But because of Him who completes me. With His love penetrating my heart and taking the first spot in my priorities, I cannot face anything that will defeat me. Every hardship will lead me to a deeper appreciation for what He offers me. Every joy and every blessing will lead me to a deeper love for Him who has given me the power to love and forgive others. And now I’m ready to walk into the next chapter of my life with a full heart, a comforted soul, and Someone who will never let me fall anywhere but into Him.